Armed with a Ph. This is why I went on my own personal journey of demystifying the elusive mystery of finding real and lasting consummate love.
While on this journey I studied happy couples hard to find, but I did and apprenticed with mentors, other psychologists and self-help gurus so I could find the secret dynamics that make love work. And in the end I was able to distill out four key practices that are crucial in keeping love alive. The psychologist, Robert Sternberg coined the term consummate love to describe relationships that have all three elements of a successful, healthy and lasting passionate bond.
These three elements are intimacy, passion and commitment. The big question is, how do we get this process to come alive in our own relationships?
How do we use action steps to put them into practice? Research shows that couples who report the highest level of intimacy spend the most amount of time alone together. This means no kids, no friends, no family, no long cell calls other digital distractions: just the two of you. Sam and I were juggling private practices and running a therapy center and post-graduate training institute in the early years of our marriage.
But we knew the dangers of continuing on this path. We permanently set aside Alone Time twice a week for us, once during the day and once at night. We hired a permanent babysitter and back-up for those times. And for an unbroken string of years, we have kept that time sacred, no matter what. Research shows that couples build intimacy through effective communication. And at the heart of effective communication is the ability to listen to your partner without judgment.
