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I have no idea what to say to her to help her, as my mother and grandmother criticized me when I was about her age for eating too much food and gaining weight. She hides her eating and makes self-critical comments. I feel like I have so many issues around food and my own weight that I can hardly bring up my concerns to her, fearing that I will damage her the way I feel I was damaged.
I feel trapped and have no idea how to help her with all of this. The good news is that you can help both of you challenge the fraudulent messages around weight and self-worth. While taking care of the body is good practice for everyone, allowing yourself or your daughter believe a certain weight or size means something about your value as a human being is something worth challenging.
First, I recommend you open up to your daughter about the impact these messages have had on you and on her. Let her know that your job as her mom is to help her take care of her body so she can be as healthy as possible. It will be uncomfortable for you to address this with her, but you will be doing it in a way that will support her instead of criticize her.
You can support your daughter in a way you were never supported. You can help her identify those emotions, such as boredom, anxiety, fear, shame, etc.
This is about her escaping the mood altering powerlessness of an addiction to food. Regardless of her size, she will regain her sense of confidence and strength as she understands how to take care of her emotions in a healthy way. Your connection to her will be the key ingredient.