Many of us will face challenges and changes to our sex life over the years, says Kate Moyle, a sex and relationship psychotherapist. Anything from a sex scene in a film to a meme about relationships can be a good springboard into a wider conversation and much more of an easy opener, rather than having to initiate the conversation from scratch or go in cold. Bear in mind you may not immediately get the response you wanted.
The problem with this is that we become so preoccupied with orgasm that it takes our attention away from the sensations — and the pleasure — most likely to get us there. That focus on orgasm can create additional pressure too, and that pressure, and the consequent anxiety we feel, is the thing that can inhibit us sexually, taking us out of the moment and stopping us enjoying ourselves.
So, ironically, that focus on orgasming can be the very thing that gets in the way of us actually having one. The best thing we can do is take these predefined goals out of our heads and instead turn our attention to pleasure, with no expectations on what happens next. For example, that might look like having a bath or shower together or agreeing to give each other a sensual massage. Or even playing a card game about sex. All the focus for so long has been on one part of sex — the end goal — which, in my experience, gets people caught up in bigger problems because it devalues the other enjoyable elements of sex.
All these small things help build a more solid grounding for sex and are the things that fall away when sex becomes a problem. The good news is, they can be rebuilt.
This means that we need to create a context where sex could happen, without making it the focus. So that might be lying in bed, talking and touching, without our phones. So creating the context means the desire comes afterwards. If you start doing that, often it leads to more unexpectedly — so touching each other to feel the warmth of their skin, or to enjoy a hug without the intention of it becoming something more.
