A year on from a divorce or long-term relationship breakup is about the right time to enter the dating world, says Auckland sex therapist Jo Robertson. Also, if you've got kids in the picture, they haven't had enough time to grieve and to reflect. So yeah, I think a year - without wanting to create rules - is about a good time to start thinking about it," she tells Kathryn Ryan. Photo: Public domain. Sex therapist and porn researcher Jo Robertson Photo: Supplied.
In an experiment, the outcome is unknown and somewhat out of your hands, Robertson says. Expect dating, at first, to be somewhat uncomfortable. And it's going to be weird until it's a muscle that you've learned to work again.
It wasn't weird back in the day because it was a muscle you worked and it'll be the same again. Would this work in my life? Everybody has things that they don't want to compromise on in a new relationship, Robertson says.
After a year or so of being single, you'll have a better handle on what went wrong in your last one and what your non-negotiables are going forward. Probably being clear, more specifically about what you want would be good, whether it's something committed and long-term, whether it's something casual.
For some people, brief encounters can be a way of "reclaiming" a part of themselves that may have been lost. And then they just want fun, they want play, they want to enjoy life again. And so they find ways to do that, maybe with other people's bodies or their own, or they go on big trips, or whatever it is that they do. But they're kind of reclaiming the spirit of fun in themselves. That's what we want to avoid. So if you are just looking for fun and want some casual relationships, then be clear about that at the beginning, so nobody else ends up being wounded by the fact that you're not up for commitment.
